I Gave My Mom a Performance Review (And You Should Too)
At work, we have rituals for getting better at relationships. Regular 1:1s. Feedback cycles. Performance reviews where someone sits you down and tells you, with care, what’s working and what isn’t.
Then we go home — to the relationships that matter most — and use none of it. We just hope things stay good, and quietly drift when they don’t.
So a while ago I tried an experiment: I gave my mom a performance review. Not the corporate version with a rubric and a rating. The spirit of one — a deliberate, two-way conversation about how we were doing, what we each needed, and how we could be better for each other.
It was one of the most connecting conversations we’ve ever had.
Why the workplace gets this right
Think about what a good 1:1 actually does. It creates a recurring, expected space to talk about the relationship itself — not just the tasks. It makes feedback normal instead of a crisis. It catches small frustrations before they calcify into resentment.
We accept all of this as obviously useful at work. The idea that you’d improve a working relationship through honest, structured conversation isn’t controversial; it’s just good management.
But suggest the same thing with a parent, a partner, or a close friend and it suddenly feels cringe. Too formal. Too much. “That’s not how family works.” Which is strange, because these are exactly the relationships where the stakes are highest and the drift is most expensive.
What it actually looks like
You don’t need an agenda template or a five-point scale. You need three things:
A real invitation. Name what you’re doing and why. “I want us to be close for a long time, and I’d love to talk honestly about how we’re doing — both directions.” The framing matters: this is about the relationship, not a list of grievances.
Genuine curiosity, going both ways. Ask what they need more of, less of, what they appreciate, where they feel let down. Then — the hard part — actually listen, without defending. And invite them to do the same about you.
Vulnerability first. Offer something real about your own side before you ask for theirs. “I know I get short on the phone when I’m stressed, and I don’t want you to take that personally.” Going first gives the other person permission to be honest too.
The goal isn’t to fix anything in one sitting. It’s to make the relationship a thing you can talk about — which, it turns out, is most of the work.
The deeper point
We treat our closest relationships as the ones that should “just work” — as if needing to be intentional about family or a best friend is a sign something’s wrong. The opposite is true. The relationships we invest in deliberately are the ones that deepen; the ones we leave on autopilot are the ones that quietly fade.
This is what relational fitness means in practice: bringing intention, structure, and honest feedback to connection instead of leaving it to luck. The skills that make you better at work relationships — listening, feedback, repair, trust — are the same skills that make you better at home. They just compound even more there, because the relationships last longer.
So pick your version of the performance review. A long walk with a parent. A “state of us” check-in with a partner. A real conversation with a friend you’ve drifted from. It’ll feel a little awkward for about ninety seconds. Then it’ll be one of the best conversations you’ve had all year.
If you want a structured way to build these skills — with coaching and practice — that’s exactly what Seen’s program is for.